For posterity

This is not a thinly veiled cry for help. It’s not a pity party. It’s simply a recording of my past few days for the sake of looking back when these kids are older, because heaven knows my memories of these months will be hazy and missing many details.

Friday:

Good Cop and I finished installing a new storm door on the front entrance. It took us two or three days, I can’t even remember exactly how long now. We worked together, me looking at the almost-incomprehensible instructions and illustrations and him doing the actual constructing. It took three times as long as it should have because we were constantly chasing the toddler, soothing the newborn, or keeping them alive with more food and clean diapers. Thankfully the door looks amazing and works perfectly.

I took my girl out for our first bike ride of the season and she loved it. It was short and sweet and it made me wistful for our freedom last year to take off whenever we had time. This year we’ll be limited to times that her baby brother has someone else to watch him.

At night, after the toddler was in bed at 7:00 we probably watched Jeopardy and took care of the baby. He’s been in a needy stage from 7-10:30pm lately. I went to bed as early as I could after the baby was asleep, probably around 11.

Good Cop left when I went to bed to take care of his second job and he got back sometime in the middle of the night. He may have also stopped for groceries on the way home but that might have been another night this week. Or he may have come home and watched Father of the Bride II with the baby and kept him asleep as long as he could so I could rest more than two or three hours. As I mentioned, it’s all hazy. I know I got up at least once to feed him for an hour, because I always do.

Saturday:

I had plans to meet some friends for breakfast at 9:00. From the time I woke up, probably around 6:30, I was busy getting the two kids and myself ready to go. It literally takes two hours to get us out of the house in the morning. And that includes about 15 minutes for me to get dressed in clothes that don’t quite fit, brush my teeth and wash my face. It does not include make-up or a shower or doing my hair.

At the restaurant the baby slept soundly in the middle of the busy aisle where I was constantly watching servers and patrons to make sure they didn’t trip, and to be ready to catch a hot plate or a spilled coffee. The toddler sat next to me in a booster, and all six of us friends were smushed in a booth that was so narrow we hardly had room to take a deep breath. Over the next hour my sweet daughter climbed in and out of the booster, turned backwards to greet our neighbors, and blessed them with a wet sneeze and greasy pats on the back. I tried to listen to my friends and add something meaningful to the conversations with the 5% of my sleep-deprived brain that wasn’t involved in watching my kids. I’m glad we went but it was more of an eat-your-veggies kind of investment in our friendships than a dessert-buffet fun memory.

The toddler was actually really sweet most of the day after that. I had high hopes for doing stuff together or being productive but I was worn out from the morning. I just tried to keep the kids quiet so Good Cop could sleep, which is kind of a joke. He left for work and I think I gave the toddler a bath.

The baby cluster fed from the time the toddler went to bed at 6:40 until about 8:30. I took a shower, the first in almost a week, and went to sleep. Got up to feed the baby around 1:00 for an hour, then slept again for about 90 minutes. During that time I had a long, intense nightmare about Good Cop being killed by a cop hater, in our own driveway, and I woke up from crying. It took a while to calm down and I cried myself back to sleep. After an hour or two the baby was up again, and then Good Cop got home from work and the toddler woke up, and it was a new day all over again.

Sunday:

Church is a highlight of my week but I just wasn’t gonna make it this morning, especially by myself with the two kids. I watched online on my phone because the toddler was watching a video on tv. I hate how much screen time she gets right now. She was watching tv because she doesn’t like to read with me while he’s on my lap, and I need her to stay occupied for an hour so I can feed him without her making too many messes or running into our bedroom to jump on her sleeping dad too many times.

High hopes for doing something fun or being productive again, but I didn’t get to change out of pajamas until 2:00 and the two kids never synced their “happy and manageable” or “both asleep” times for more than 15 or 20 minutes. After Good Cop left for work I put them in the car (a 40-minute process, which boggles my mind) and got myself an ice cream at the drive-thru. I drove by the water on the way home. When we arrived I put the toddler to bed while the infant screamed to be fed the entire 15 minutes of the shortened bedtime routine. He cluster fed from 7:00-9:30, I gave him a bottle around 10:00, and put him to bed. Just before I fell asleep he worked himself up again and I went out to calm him down. As I stood by his bed swaying and patting I had to catch myself a few times from falling asleep and tumbling over.

We were up during the night once for about an hour, and then again at 5:30.

Monday:

Good Cop came home and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, took out the kitchen trash, got the toddler up and took her and her iPhone Netflix to bed with him so I could get a cat nap after the baby was done eating. But although the baby slept, he fussed every two or three minutes with gas and a poop, and I never fell asleep. I gathered the toddler, kissed my amazing husband, and started breakfast and strong coffee.

The baby was fully awake and hungry again now, which made the toddler jealous and hyper. By the time the baby was fed and sleepy, the toddler was not in any mood to play with me. We did get a few minutes of cuddling while she watched more videos – yes, more videos after my attempts at reading books or playing with her toys just made her jump and scream as close as possible to the sleeping baby. Eventually she went off to do her own thing again, which was inevitably loud and mildly destructive, and I tried to finish my breakfast and coffee. Her nap time was quickly approaching and her mood was deteriorating. As I got her ready for bed she kicked and clawed everything, screamed and cried, and threw herself at the window to get attention from the neighbor. Meanwhile her screams had finished the work of waking up her brother, who was still tired and needed more sleep. I left her room quietly while she thrashed about and wailed in bed. In her defense I felt like doing the same thing and it was only my desire for Good Cop to eventually get some kind of sleep that kept me from throwing myself on my pillow and screaming too.

Instead, I brushed my teeth and washed my face and thought about how crazy this season of life is. I thought about how quickly it will go by in the big scheme of things, and how fun it will be again when we have just a little more sleep around here. It’s a short time, I know, and we’ll survive. I won’t tell myself to “enjoy every minute” because that’s just stupid and adds more guilt, but I’ll remind myself that it won’t be like this for long.

this is the life

 

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2 thoughts on “For posterity

  1. What can anyone say to this! I do think that you need your mother three times per week… Minimum. Her house is not far away and she can pick up busy toddler to play and take her nap, then return her when Good Cop wakes up… Your nightmare was the worst. So sorry!

    • You are sweet. But like I said, it’s not that I need more help, I just wanted to put it all down. You are a great help when I need it!

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