Sweet tiny baby, just barely more than a few cells put together, and still you’ve burrowed into my heart for always.
You are a new thing, a thing I wasn’t expecting but was starting to hope for (you’ll learn that hoping and expecting are two very different things) and you are a gift. For a few months now Daddy and I were thinking that you might show up eventually. In the beginning when we were talking about you and when we might be ready for you, I was hesitant and anxious. I didn’t feel ready for you at all. Life has been full of so many changes since your big sis got here and I’m just now starting to relax into our daily routines. Even with those routines, it still feels messy and overwhelming, like I’m never doing exactly what I should be doing. It didn’t seem like adding you to the mix would be a good idea for anyone. But I started talking to God about that and he said I should trust that he knows all of it, and he’ll take care of it. One day a little while later I realized that I wasn’t so worried any more. Then another day I realized that I was looking forward to you. And eventually I got to feeling like my heart would be ready for you whenever you came, even if my life and my routine wasn’t ready. So that’s where I was last Thursday morning, living life with your daddy and big sis and waiting patiently for you. I was happy to keep waiting for a while just to give all of us some more time to grow up and settle down, but I was also starting to think about all your newborn babyness, your soft smell, your first smiles, your amazing grow-so-fast first year.
So on that Thursday morning when Daddy got home from work and I was still a bit “late” (you don’t need to understand that part until you’re older) I took a test and didn’t read it. I left it for Daddy to read before he came to bed. I don’t know why I did that; I really didn’t think it would say anything except “try again next month.” I had been taking tests every month for a while without waiting for him. I don’t know why this time was different. I went back to our bed and was playing with your big sis while Daddy brushed his teeth or something. He asked me, “What is it supposed to be?” I said, “Two lines if it’s positive, one line for negative.” He was quiet, and I figured there was just one line. “There are two lines.”
I was still in the bedroom and he was still in the bathroom across the hall.
“There’s a faint line and a dark line. What does that mean?”
“Wow. It means it’s positive.”
I was so shocked! I got up to look at it. Sure enough there was a little faint line, just a hint that you were here. For real. We all got back in bed together and I kept thinking, ‘I can’t believe it. I’m pregnant. I wonder if it will stick.’ Babies are fragile things especially in the very beginning, and we knew the odds. Daddy said he hoped you would stick too. Your big sis was probably bouncing around as usual, climbing everywhere and almost falling off the bed every 15 seconds, throwing herself on top of us for kisses and wrestling. I don’t really remember what we said but I do remember saying, “Now I feel sick.” It was pretty surprising.
For the next couple of days I kept waiting for something bad to happen, for you to start leaving us. I took more tests every day and every day your little line got darker. It got to be as dark as could be and gradually I started thinking that you were going to stay with us. You made me so happy by sticking around!
And here we are, still together a week and a half later, thinking about how to tell our family and friends. We’re more and more excited to meet you every day! I’m still anxious and hesitant about adding you to the mix, but not like before. I’m hoping that you’re a much more content, happy and rested baby. It would be tough if you were as difficult as your sister was, and I try not to think about that. But we’ll manage either way. I’m so curious to find out who you are, what you look like, and what kind of personality you’ll have. Now that I know how addicting it is to learn about your baby, I’m even more excited to meet you than I was to meet your sister.
She’s going to be such a fun sister! She’ll be wild and crazy, full of ideas and energy, and probably pretty protective. I imagine she’ll also beat you up, pull your hair and pinch you. Sorry about that. She’s a firecracker and she’s amazing. You’ll probably adore her and get annoyed with her just as much as we do.
So little bird, you need a nickname. Daddy and I have been looking through a bunch of birds and haven’t settled on just the right one yet. I suppose you don’t need to have a bird nickname but I like themes and things that match. We’ll see!
I love you, tiny babe. We’re praying that you grow healthy and strong and that I’m a safe place for you until you grow big enough to live out here with all of us. Welcome to our crazy, happy house!