I don’t love being pregnant.
I do love having a baby that’s ours, and I love feeling the baby move. But all the other stuff – being sore and tired, having to move differently, sleeping differently, not having pants that fit comfortably, watching my body change without my control – that’s what I don’t love. It’s probably not surprising that I don’t love it, cause I typically don’t like new things the first time around unless I’m 99% sure that I can do them well. Maybe, if we try to have a second baby, it’ll be easier that time because it won’t be so unknown.
Plus, I feel like I’m way behind on what I should know about being a mom because I’m older. On top of my usual dislike of new situations, I’m feeling like everyone in the world knows more than me. I really don’t like that feeling either. For instance, I’ve been saying “they” or “they’re” when talking about the Bluebird because I don’t think of the baby as an “it.” He or she is a boy or girl. We’re just not sure which one yet. So, it made sense in my head to say “they” because that’s what I do when I’m talking about a person of unknown gender. Like, “what were they thinking??” But there’s so much confusion when I talk like that about the baby and people keep thinking I’m referring to twins, even after it’s been clear from other conversations that we’re just having a single baby. I realized a couple weeks ago that the reason this confusion bothers me is because I didn’t think twice about what to call the baby, but my decision was questioned a lot, and that made me feel like I was a clueless new mom who didn’t know the right protocol for referring to her baby. Oy. Mind games.
Also, I’m not very keen on being the center of attention, in general, and pregnancy has a way of making me, my body, and the growing baby a regular topic with everyone. There are some parts of that that I enjoy but sometimes it’s overwhelming.
This experience just makes me more grateful that we’re adopting least one of our kids! I am so excited to meet the Bluebird and have them here in the outside world with us, but there are some benefits to adoption that are looking great right now.
It’s not all bad all the time, though. As always, feeling the Bluebird move is pretty fun no matter where or when it happens. They’re still really active every day and they’re definitely getting stronger. It’s great to have that connection to my son or daughter, like a secret language of kicks and punches. Good Cop has been getting some good kicks too, and we can see my belly move now when the baby is moving. So cool and so weird. From their earliest moments they’re an autonomous little human, moving around without warning and making their own decisions about when to sleep and when to explore. Such a mystery.
And we’re having fun dreaming about getting a baby settled in the house in about 3 1/2 months. It’s cool to talk about all the events that’ll include the Bluebird the next time they come around. When I start thinking about that, it’s even harder to wait, so I’m trying to just put my head down and not wish the time away. We are so ready, though. Hurry up, kid. We can’t wait to have you here!