Home all the time

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ready for the wind and snow of winter

My last day at work was three weeks ago tomorrow. That financial opportunity I mentioned a while ago was a new job but it fell through after I’d started training my replacement and put in my resignation. So, we decided I would go ahead with the plan and just be home until I found a new job.

It has been a strange mix of wonderful and weird to be home full-time. The first week I woke up every day and thought about work, then remembered I didn’t need to be there. I spent time with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and got caught up with some things around the house that needed to be done. And I spent a lot of time cooking and baking, which was really fun! It is pretty amazing to have whole days and nights free to work on stuff or hang out.

The next week I got down to business finally making the curtains for our bedroom, which we’ve occupied since last December with just mini blinds. I’ve had the fabric for them since this summer but I wanted roman shades and that’s a bit more complicated than other projects I’ve done, so I was always hesitant to get started. I’m happy to say they’re now completed and just need to be installed by Good Cop! They’re not my best work but they will make the room so much darker (Good Cop sleeps during the day) and I’m so glad I pulled it off. I also made a tablecloth from some clearance fabric I picked up when I was getting supplies last week, and that’s great.

Meanwhile, I’ve had a couple interviews and applied for lots of jobs but nothing has been a great fit. I’m really hoping to have a job lined up within the month since the whole reason for my job change was to make more money for the adoption. It’s getting a little unnerving to think about how much I’m not contributing to our financial bucket right now.

Being home gives me lots of time to think about being a stay-at-home mom eventually. When we’ve talked about whether I’d keep my part-time job when we have kids, I’ve always said that I’m not going to decide one way or the other before I actually have a baby at home. It’s just too hard to imagine how I’ll feel about it and I can see myself going either way. I loved having our mom home all the time and homeschooling us, and I also love getting out of the house for a few hours every week to do something different. These weeks at home have given me a better picture of what it could be like, and some of it is pretty tempting. On the other hand, I operate best when I have a schedule and deadlines, so a lot of my time at home is wasted with insignificant dillydallying. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what my job situation is when the kids arrive and take it from there.

Mostly I feel like I’m waiting a lot right now. Waiting for blackbird, waiting for biological kids, waiting for a job. Waiting too, to meet my stardust babies someday. They’re on my mind often the last few weeks. I came across one of my favorite passages a few days ago (Psalm 84) and it resonated again for this season:

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
 As they pass through the Valley of Baka [weeping],
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.”

That’s where I am: going from strength to strength, and hopefully making beauty in the desert-waiting places. I just realized that “they make it a place of springs.” In my mind I always pictured God making the springs in the desert like the famous stories of the Exodus, but this verse talks about his people being the spring-makers. I like that. It reminds me of the power we have to choose our reaction to our situations and to focus on grace or focus on pain. God lets us do some of the work to make beauty from ashes. I’m definitely still working on those ashes; it doesn’t escape me that my unemployment coincides with what would have been my first maternity leave. I would be getting to know our firstborn right now, sleeping a lot less and re-making my whole world to include a baby. Or, if our second baby was here I’d be sporting a cute little belly and looking for winter maternity clothes, thinking about baby showers and April showers. We would probably be a lot farther along in the adoption of blackbird, since we plan to keep going with our home study even if we’re pregnant (we would put our file on hold until after our baby was born, then re-open it as soon as we’re ready to add blackbird). That process has been mostly on hold since we lost the second baby and while my heart knows that we need some time, my head is so anxious to see it move forward quickly. It’s one of those times when God’s timing seems slow, not perfect. This is when I need to go back to the last verse of Psalm 84 and repeat it as needed. “Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.” My heart tells me that’s true.

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