I’ve been thinking about the things people have said to me this year that really helped while I processed all the losses and change. By far my favorite: nothing. Honestly. There’s a certain friend that felt no need to explain, gloss over, or editorialize the miscarriages. It wasn’t that she was absolutely silent (that would be weird). But she let me talk and she mirrored how I felt, which was a wide range from angry to lost to broken depending on the day. And she was okay with not wrapping up our lost-baby conversations neatly even when they were uncomfortable or going nowhere. She just let me talk as long as I wanted. It was exactly what I needed. I’ve learned a lot about comforting people who are hurting just by how she interacted with me this year.
In case this makes you wonder about the things that really hurt, check out this website: http://thingspeoplesaidaftermymiscarriage.blogspot.com/. I heard a lot of them. I know I mentioned it before but the one that stuck with me is “it wasn’t God’s will” or “God’s timing is perfect.” Yes, his timing is perfect and his will is sovereign. Neither of those facts made me feel better. At this stage in my life they made me feel worse. Maybe a few years down the road when I’m more mature they’ll be reassuring to me. I’m sure that he can turn these bad situations into something beautiful but I very much believe that God’s will is for me to be a mother. Telling me that it wasn’t his will or his timing seems to imply that he thinks I’m not ready to be a mom. I know that all of these comments about God were meant to be comforting and I definitely appreciated that. When I heard them from friends I just took the love intended and tried to let the other feelings roll off my back. But, if there’s anything you consider striking from your vocabulary when dealing with someone who wants to be a parent but isn’t, make it the “God’s will and God’s timing” talk. Replace it with God’s love, God’s nearness to those who are broken, God’s desire for whole and healthy families, and God’s ability to handle our anger. Or, sometimes you can just say nothing and it will mean everything.